1/19/12 - PAIN

Warning......this blog entry is very long.

I am a mother, so it is from the perspective of a mother that I tell the following stories.

Last night I had a dream that our house was on fire.  I was running around trying to find my children to rescue them from the flames.  I woke up before I could find them.  It took me a long time to shake the scary and painful feeling that they were gone.  Because of this dream, I got to thinking about how much we all love our kids and how we would do anything to keep them from feeling pain. 

The pain comes anyway.

I remember vividly the day Kennedy was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes.  She was taken by ambulance to the children's hospital.  She was 4 1/2 years old and barely 30 lbs.  Because she had not been producing insulin, her little body had been eating away her muscle and fat to keep her alive.  She was so tiny.

She had to have her finger pricked (more like slashed) every hour to check her blood sugar and by the end of that week her little fingers were bruised, bloody, and covered in band aids.  She started crying every time a nurse or doctor even entered her hospital room.  Then they made ME torture my little girl.  I had to show them I could check blood sugar and give shots properly before they would let Kennedy go home.

She begged me not to hurt her.

With tears in my eyes....I did it anyway.

How do you explain to a tiny child that you are HURTING THEM out of LOVE?

(My heart was a pin cushion for months.  Up to ten sugar checks and five shots a day.)

We tried to help her forget about the scary stuff by playing with her and taking her to do fun activities in the hospital.  After completing a sugar check, I watched the clock with dread as each minute passed. As each new hour approached my anxiety soared.  I remember wondering if the fear and ache in my heart would ever ease.

A defining moment for me was when I asked Nick to set Carter down next to Kennedy so I could take a picture of the two of them.  I took the picture and then stared at my babies.  My newly diagnosed Type 1 Diabetic and my one year old with Down's Syndrome, both of them with life long battles to fight.

I felt helpless.  I couldn't FIX IT for my children.  I cannot describe the pain I felt at that moment.

Most mothers would gladly experience any amount of pain to SAVE IT from their children.

It's our job to PROTECT THEM and FIX IT.....sometimes we just can't.

I thought that was the day I learned about REAL pain.

I was wrong.

This is my beautiful little nephew, Cody Nash Gamangasso (known to his family as Lil' Guy).  He would have just turned five years old last month.  The 5th anniversary of his departure from this world due to SIDS is coming up in February.

This was the day PAIN was defined for me.

I had intense feelings of pain and grief at the passing of my nephew, but nothing compared to having to watch his parents suffer.  Heart wrenching.

The PAIN was overwhelming.

I could hardly bare to watch my sister-in-law Corinne, my dear friend,  as she kept bending down to kiss her sweet baby and stay close to him. 

She had been spending much of her time at the morgue in the days leading up to the funeral, holding her baby boy and taking naps with him.

Her favorite lullaby to sing to him was -

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.

You make me happy when skies are grey.

You'll never know, dear, how much I love you.

Please don't take my sunshine away.

A mother's love....it cannot be measured!

Their five year old daughter Kayla stayed at her little brother's side throughout the viewing - holding his little hand.

At the end of the viewing, their other four children came up one at a time to give their little brother a kiss and say goodbye.  Then Cody and Corinne said their final goodbye.
I didn't want to watch the goodbye's but I was taking the pictures.  Instead, I was forced to watch their intense pain up close through the enlargement of my lens.....I was sobbing.

As the casket was being closed......I can't even describe it really.

Time had run out but I wasn't ready.  How in the world were they so strong?  The last time they would look upon his sweet face....in this life.

Cody and Corinne were determined to see that their precious son was safely stored in the earth before they would leave his grave site.  They watched with their other children as his casket was buried.

So Brave.

How do you say goodbye to your baby?

And then their were just a few of us left, afraid we might not feel his sweet spirit anymore if we left.  My husband went up to his little brother and gave him a hug.  I have no idea what he said. 

  I do know that these two brothers are best friends and love each other fiercely. 

And then there was just one person left.

I'm sure she didn't know how to leave.

She starred at the grave for a long time.

Nick came back up to tell me it was time to go.....but I couldn't leave her there alone.

What could I possibly say?

I walked up and put my arms around Corinne, and for a moment, we cried together.  

And then we walked away together.

Cody and Corinne were added to my hero list that day.  How they ever made it through all that, only they and the Lord know.

This remains a profound experience in my life.  So many valuable lessons learned and remembered.

I hope Cody and Corinne are not upset with me for sharing it.

This was a very personal experience for each of us.

No one can navigate through this life without feeling pain.  Every fairytale character has to go through great adversity and pain before they reach their own "Happily Ever After."  This is also true for us.

PAIN is part of the refiners fire. 

There is so much happiness on the other side of our sorrow....

One day at a time.

When the savior returns to the earth, I know my children will not suffer with the limitations placed on them in this life.  The Lord does not make mistakes!  He knows the reason they have been given these struggles and he has also blessed them (and us) with wonderful gifts to learn and grow from these challenges.

As members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, we know that our savior made it possible for families to be together forever.  We are sealed together in the house of the Lord and the death of our bodies cannot break this covenant made with God.

There is still much pain in death because of the length of time we must wait to see each other again....but there is also joy in our knowledge of our Heavenly Father's plan for us.

It is not goodbye, but rather.....til' we meet again.